Tuesday, August 31, 2010

absolute emptiness – in haiku

empty is the mind
that remains idle, and its
hands are too active

empty is body
when it is left to waste, self-
-beaten, weak, -abused

empty is the heart
that cannot find a true love
vices found instead

empty is the soul
of those who are blind by faith
and those blind by none

empty are beings
who do not properly tend:
mind, body, heart, soul

Want more haiku?


Yurt and Strawberrt

Turns out ‘strawberrt’ is a little more popular than I had originally expected. I hadn’t given it much thought, actually, but when I just Googled it, I found 10+ pages of results. Now of course, not all of those pages are pertinent; however it should be noted that ‘strawberrt’ is a word in use around the world today, oddly enough.

In other news, a while back I learned about yurts. At the same time, I also learned that I want one. Unfortunately, I don’t have a yard big enough for one at the moment. Someday I will, or at least I will have a piece of land hanging out, lonely, looking for a friend… and I will put a yurt on it to make it feel better. And for me to stand in.


Monday, August 30, 2010

Would You Like Your Treat Receipt?

I went to Starbucks this morning. I’ve been doing that lately because I hate my coffee maker. When I purchased it, I made sure not to buy the cheap model because I wanted to have a good-quality cup of coffee in the morning. And I wanted to make sure my guests (if and when I have them, and when they want coffee) had good-quality coffee. One key to a good cup of coffee is a good, clean, reliable coffee maker. Thus, my purchase of a coffee maker that was above $50, but under $100 (plus a 10- or 20-dollar rebate).

Lately my coffee has been sucking. It’s been horrible, unreliable, and inconsistent. I tried different brews in case it was that brand or type, all to no avail. I had finally had enough.

Coincidentally, I also started using the Yelp app on my Droid X. And, I also became a little addicted to it. I am still addicted to it, actually… The Yelp app allows you to not only have the web-version of Yelp in your hand at all times, but you can also check-in to businesses.

After 2 check-ins you’re a regular. If you have the most check-ins you’re the Duke. If you have the most Dukedoms of an area you’re the Barron. And if you have the most Dukedoms within a city, you’re the city’s King or Queen.

Sounds stupid, right? It is. But it’s also fun. And addicting. It actually takes a certain level of strategy to grab and keep a Dukedom. I liken it to a life-size version of Risk or some other strategy game. And you can also get free stuff from businesses when you share your check-in on Twitter.

Back on point:

Now that I could be Duke, I opted to start frequenting Starbucks in the morning, all in the name of building my fiefdom.

So far, so good.

Back to the original point of this post, which I happen to have left out until now:

I went to Starbucks this morning and ordered my usual iced coffee, but decided to add a breakfast sandwich as well. I pulled up to the window, greetings commenced, handed my card to the lady, and she responded with, “ would you like your treat receipt for later?”

I immediately said yes because I knew what she was talking about. But for a short moment I was a little confused as to what she said, or meant. “Treat receipt”? What the… Who calls it that, and what in the world are they thinking.

A) Starbucks does not fall under the ‘treat’ category.
2) Even if I went to Walgreen’s and bought a basket full of candy, THEY wouldn’t call it a “treat receipt”; Starbucks shouldn’t either.
G) Don’t call it that.
&) Ever.

That is all.

Thank you.



Funk. What is a funk? What does it mean to funk? How does one funk, and more importantly, how does one enjoy funk?

I’ve been in a bit of blog-funk for a little while. Please excuse me while I free myself of this funkness (even though Microsoft thinks I mean to type ‘funkiness’).

While I’m on the topic, I might as well break into:

“Welcome to station W.E.F.U.N.K, better known as We Funk, or deeper still The Mothership Connection. Home of the extraterrestrial brothers, dealers of funky music, P-Funk, uncut funk, the bomb.

“Coming to you directly from the mothership, on top of the chocolate milky way, 500,000 kilowatts of P-Funk power. So kick back, dig, while we do it to you in your eardrums. Oh me? I’m known as Lollipop Man, alias: The Long-haired Sucker. My motto is:

“Make my funk the P-Funk, I want my funk uncut. Make my funk the P-Funk, I wants to get funked up. I want the bomb, I want the P-Funk. I want my funk uncut. Make my funk the P-Funk, I wants to get funked up.

“Now, this is what I want you all to do: if you’ve got faults, defects, or shortcomings… whatever part of your body it is, I want you to lay it on your radio. Let the vibes flow through; funk not only moves, it can re-move. Dig?

“The desired effect is what you get when you improve your interplanetary funksmanship.”

Sir Lollipop Man, bring me the funk!

–Words and content adapted from Parliament’s P-Funk (Wants To Get Funked Up) lyrics.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Zombies (But No Cats) (Or Maybe One Cat)

OK, here we go.

I think it’s time to post some zombie news.

---Begin Message---


First, there is this book: 501 Things to do with a Zombie
-just in case you were at a loss of ideas

Next, there is this: Nicole from More is Better has hypothesized (at least once) that “the internet is being run by zombies who are trying to make my forehead more delicious before they bite into it and suck my brain out.
-curiously enough, this originates from research into a home remedy for sinus pain

Savage Chickens suggests that zombies (or at least chicken zombies (which are not unlike cat zombies except for the physicality of the two)) only want to be loved, but can only say “brains” so clearly there’s a miscommunication issue here between humans and zombies.

Then there’s the British Automobile Association, a car insurance provider, who has likened wearers of iPods (and other MP3 players, including smartphone users) to zombies, saying that these people have been “guilty of not paying attention to the traffic around them”… thus creating a zombie state of actions, and aptly naming them 'zombie walkers'.

Next is, of course, the headline of the week:
Minneapolis will pay $165,000 to zombies

And finally, hydrofracking has caused people to turn into zombies (in a movie at least). Apparently there’s an environmental zombie thriller out there…

Fortunately still, there is no news on cat zombies (except for this cat, which has not made headlines yet).

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be on the lookout.

---End Message---


Monday, August 23, 2010

Their Pain

Pain – it’s what’s for dinner
Is not the way it should be
We hope and we pray
Waiting to be saved
It’s not right, or warranted
To be left here this way

Pain, with little empathy
For the goings-on of
The youth of today
No more tomorrow
Should not be the
Thought they portray

Sometimes simple
Is all we need
Although I wonder how
We often can breathe
When there’s children
Left on the street

In pain isn’t the way
They should be
Locked out and locked in
Let them free
Let them free
Let them free!



I am masked, but I am me
I am masked, but I'm not me

I do not stand, for your entertain
I stand only, for my disdain

I dance around, on unlocked floors
I dance the same, through unlocked doors

"What is this?", how dare you say
I'm happy here, I'm allowed to play

I am masked, and take no fame
So I can be myself, without shame


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Brush

Standing in line
Minding my own business
I patiently await my turn

My head is down
Fresh from magazine stand
I’m thumbing from page to page

I hear a sound
My head picks up
Just some change hitting the floor

I’m up next
After those in front of me
How much longer will I wait?

The day is young
But I have things to do
So my patience begins to fade

When out of the blue
As she turns to walk out
She brushes against my arm

I catch a glimpse
Lock with her eyes
I turn around, curiously staring

With a quick turn back
She proceeds out the door
Now I’m the one holding the line

*Note: Inspired by Theme Thursday, topic: Brush


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Haiku To Save The World

hippies from the day
‘peace’, ‘love’, and ‘no war’ abound,
jaded at present

we should go back to
the Earth-loving ways of old
to save tomorrow

recycle, reuse,
reduce waste and resource use,
remember nature

the things we should do
to help make a better world,
arm-in-arm we’ll stand

we can save the world
for them, our children’s children,
one step at a time


Monday, August 16, 2010

This time, it WAS a Daniel Boone hat!

We were out on Saturday night, somehow again, back at Coyote Ugly after spending time at 3 previous locations. This time: to see what it’s like on a weekend when there’s a decent crowd. You see, when we were there earlier in the week, there was basically no crowd, leaving to question what the atmosphere is like when the room is full with drunken people. And no, not my idea, but unlike I said before, after our time there on Saturday, I’ll probably be back… assuming I’ve had a few drinks prior to entering the establishment.

Thus the report on the weekend night: fun. Fun enough I’d go back (as just mentioned).

One highlight from the weekend: while at Coyote Ugly, I looked down the bar and saw one of the bartenders standing on top wearing a Daniel Boone hat! And this time it was for real! No bad-eyesight tricks here.

Although, it wasn’t a genuine one. It was just a cheap version likely purchased in a non-Daniel Boone-hat store. In fact, it was so fake that even though the hat had a tail, it also had a face on the front… of a raccoon… if memory serves me right, I don’t think that Daniel Boone wore an animal’s face on his head. Although I could be wrong; I’m no follower of Daniel Boone history.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Those Eyes – In Haiku

They draw me closer
Longing and lusting for you
I desire those eyes

Sparkling and shining
The way galaxies collide
Mesmerizing me

Look at me again
Until twilight I could stare
I get lost in them

Bright and beautiful
Blue, green, grey, brown, yellow too
Those eyes magnetize

Away I can’t look
They grab me and pull me in
Surging with passion


Haiku From Space

stars collide in space
non-air drifts into abyss
from nothing, something

they rotate with ease
gas giants spin slowly and
rocky spheres turn fast

cosmic wonders hang
like picture frames on a wall
the ceiling of sky

comets, they fizzle
dancing in the milky way
balls of ice leading

the cosmos delights
the vast and wonder collide
space is majestic


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Spilt Drinks, Piano Costumes, and a Weasel

My update to Facebook last night at 11:12pm:

“Somehow… I don’t know how… but I had a drink spill in my lap. A whole drink. It’s not mine. My shorts are soaked. Specifically: rt. leg”

After dinner last night we went over to Coyote Ugly. I hadn’t been there before. ...That was an interesting experience.

Also: someone found their way to my blog yesterday through a Google search for ‘piano costume’. They landed on my ‘A Bride. A Piano. A Costume Party?’ post. Clearly, after glancing at the short blurb under the search result they decided that my blog just might have said piano costumes…

…wtf is a piano costume anyway? If anything, wouldn’t it be a tuxedo?

And also: I was surprised yesterday when my blog was mentioned on Poets United’s The Life of a Poet, featuring Weasel this week. He listed me as one of three poets he likes to read or visit the most.

Thanks again, Weasel – I appreciate it!

And more also: there’s been new activity in the topics of cats and zombies (fortunately though, no reports of cat zombies yet - that would be worthy of a stand-alone post; so important that it couldn’t be held in waiting for additional material). More on those topics at a later date.



Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Her Palms

The palm of her hand is wet.
A moment ago it was clenched,
Tight in a fist.
She opened her fists, finally…
It was time to take a breath.

Two weeks ago, it started.
Life was lovely,
And without care.
Then it happened.
Two weeks ago she clenched her fists.

Since then, life has been hard.
The house almost gone,
Her child almost taken.
The state knocked daily.
Her bank account was broken.

By some strike of luck,
Or maybe a little magic,
Her fate twisted surprisingly.
The lottery? …No.
Wealthy family passing? Not at all.

Neither was it a stranger on the street;
Taking her up as charity,
Was not the case.
Instead, it was her family and friends
Who were her saving grace.

The palms of her hands were held so tight,
And they were clenched so long,
That her skin was bruised and bright.
Today is the day her palms will dry.
The worry and pain will end this night.

*Note: Inspired by Theme Thursday, topic: Palm


lost inside my head

i am lost inside my head,
this headstrong heartache of an impatient depth charge.
i hear the things that no one hears,
i know the things no one ever will.

i am insane. i am insanity.
call me loose, i call it beauty.
call me strange, i call it gift.
i am creation. i am death.

strip you of your being,
i know what's underneath.
the twists, the voices,
the roads, the words.

conceptual deprivation of all things great,
love, sex, religion, being.
scare myself awake, scare myself alive.
moments of understanding, epiphany of the great.

conceptual understanding, perfect reasoning.
horrifying truths.
consensual connection to the answer.
riddle me this: a maker of what, who? the maker’s maker?

believe in not, and you shall see.
believe in not, and you will receive.
open your mind’s eye and tap your illusions, delusions
become truths, and ideas are robust in flavor and description.

but only for one second…

but only for an eternity…

differentiate the two,

or are they one...

-Originally written 3March03

*Note: Visit One Stop - Where Poets and Writers Meet and their One Shot Wednesday for poems & stories from others.


Monday, August 9, 2010

Where do you draw the line?

Q: “If you’re a blogger, where do you draw the line? Do you even have one? And how do you find the courage to cross it?”

Although I have been consistently posting for only a few months now, I have had other blogs in the past. Long ago my old blog used to be a place for my true feelings, my inner thoughts, and my demons too. I look back and wonder if letting those thoughts out and creating words on a screen helped… maybe they did, maybe they didn’t – I’m not sure.

Now, my new blog is mostly geared toward the funny, albeit dry humor, and sometimes poetry. The stories with a touch of humor allow me to express my humoristic side, while the poetry sometimes allows for a more serious, or exploratory dive, into many different expressions of emotion.

My new blog was intended to give an audience something to read, something to enjoy, and something to keep coming back to. Thus, by design, my blog isn’t meant to be a daily portrayal of the humdrum, the boring, the negative thoughts, or sad feelings; it is designed to be an outlet of my humoristic character, with a touch of art and expression here and there. Because of this, I will likely steer away from the off-topic demons and sadness… unless I’m immediately moved to express them to the world in this venue.

I don’t know if this gives you direction, but I hope it goes to show that it’s ok to have a design, or theme, to a blog… it’s yours; do with it what you want.


*The above has been adapted from a response of mine to Sassy’s post: Where’s The Line – Or The Lie?

And with that –

Thank you all for reading, commenting, and (hopefully) enjoying; it’s been a pleasure!

…Now let’s get out there and have some fun!!!


Friday, August 6, 2010

Goodbye, World; Hello, More World.

I went home for lunch on Tuesday to see if my new toy had arrived. It hadn’t, so I proceeded to sit down for lunch when all of a sudden I heard a diesel engine pull up. I looked out the door and saw FedExMan in his truck, blasting dance music, sitting there looking at me inside as I looked out at him. After a moment or two of an awkward “looking at each other”, he turned off his truck, grabbed the package out of the back, and I walked outside to sign for it.

I ate lunch, went back to work, opened the package, set up my new Droid X, and promptly flung myself into the next age of cell phone computing, all while saying “Goodbye, World; Hello, More World.”

Since then, I basically haven’t put the phone down for more than the time needed to sleep.

I’m not sure how long this is going to last, but it’s not looking good for “real people” right now…


A Bride. A Piano. A Costume Party?

Xtina and I walked out from dinner last night, on our way to the movies down the way on the 16th Street Mall. As I walked out of the establishment and onto the sidewalk, I looked across the way:

“Is she wrapped in plastic? Or is that a bride?” I said.

“That’s a piano” she responded.

We both focused again and walked closer to find that it was, in fact, not a piano… it was a soon-to-be-bride sitting at a piano… seemingly a bachelorette party of some sort… or a costume party… with only one partier wearing a costume…

I then proceeded to consider the state of my eyesight + beer + liquor vs. hers. After the Daniel Boone hat encounter, I was sure MY vision was worse… I’m having to reconsider that now.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

She was wearing a Daniel Boone hat

A couple weeks ago I was walking down a sidewalk at night in a part of town that has many restaurants along the way. On the patio of one of the restaurants sat a woman at a table with what seemed to be a few of her friends. Since it was dark and my eyes aren’t what they used to be, it took a few yards for the details to come into view. As I walked closer I got more and more excited – I thought she was wearing a Daniel Boone hat! “What the hell is that?” I said.

As I got closer my excitement quickly turned to disappointment; here I thought she was wearing a Daniel Boone hat… turns out it was just her arm.

…I was wondering how her friends let her out in public wearing that kind of hat in the middle of summer.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Water bottle caps

A couple weekends ago while I was at Red Rocks for The String Cheese Incident, I had bought a bottle of water. Like many venues, they take away the cap so you can’t fill the bottle and hurl it like a projectile… or maybe it just makes cleanup easier for the employees – I don’t know. Well, for the second show I was smart and brought a cap from home that came from a similar sized bottle. I knew I was sure to not spill any water during the evening from that moment forward.

So, Saturday night I bought another bottle of water, went to twist on my from-home cap, and it didn’t fit. Turns out not all bottle caps are created equal, and I wasn’t aware that there are different gauges for basically the same size bottles… who knew! Fortunately though, I was able to twist the cap on and re-thread it on an angle so that there was at least a top on the bottle. It wasn’t water-tight, but it was a cap nonetheless.

Sure, I could have brought my own bottle-of-water-with-cap into the show, but that was of little interest to me at the time – that’s just more to carry when I’m supposed to be carrying an alcoholic beverage.



Here’s the first few days of my Invisalign experience:

Invisalign Day .5: Whatthehellisinmymouth.

Invisalign Day 1: There’s something in my mouth.

Invisalign Day 1.635: I’m tired of having something in my mouth.

Invisalign Day 1.645: I feel like my teeth need to breathe.

Invisalign Day 1.656: I really just want to chew something or fully close my teeth.

Invisalign Day 2: I’m ok now.

Now we’re at 5 days later and everything’s ok. My teeth aren’t suffocating, there’s little pressure, no pain (never was any pain), and I can tolerate the foreign objects hugging my teeth.



There’s a growing tradition within my family around each gift-giving occasion. I’m not sure where or when it started, but it’s something that my parents and I partake in (me, whenever I remember the occasion). Like most people, we buy and send cards for birthdays, holidays, etc… but we send multiple to each person. I think I may have started this tradition, but I’m not too sure. We like to send a funny one or two, and then maybe a serious one… and I’ll even get one from my own dog that lives with me, sent by one or both of my parents.

I rather enjoy doing the multiple-card-giving thing because I never feel one card is enough; it never fully encompasses who I am. So, last night I walked out of the store with five birthday cards… three for one person, and two for another. The people at checkout probably think I’m crazy, or I have a lot of people to celebrate, when in fact I only have one or two…