9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

#1. Clowns. You’d better not be afraid of clowns. This is the biggest misconception among the public: clowns are not a part of the Rapture events. You just be ready for clowns, is all I’m saying.

#2. Expect to see some glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures taking part in the festivities. If this Rapture really happens, there’s a chance that there will be a moment of euphoria prior to Hell blazing over. If you’re lucky enough to get whisked away, you’ll probably get to live with said glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures. Lucky you.

#3. Balls of fire, earthquakes, tidal waves, and horribly-tuned smooth jazz. I don’t expect much thunder, but if there is, it will mostly be drowned out by said jazz and is likely to clap to the beat if you can hear it at all.

#4. Chariots. Lots of them. Ben-Hur style, too.

#5. If this Rapture really happens, expect to see Jesus in the far-off distance, likely hovering in the sky somewhere, standing guard at the aptly-named Pearly Gates along with Peter.

#6. Be prepared to not be whisked away, likely because you’ve listened to rock n roll a few times in your life, or you’ve cursed. They’re saying only 200 million people will be saved. Odds are it isn’t you seeing how that equates to less than 3% of the world’s population.

#7. If you *are* whisked away, be prepared to mourn the loss of loved ones as you watch them on the ground while you float to the sky. Or watch them burn in flames. Or if you suddenly disappear. No matter what, you’re going to want to keep your eyes open.

#8. If you’re lucky enough to see a unicorn, catch it. It’s said that Rapture, at times, can be much like a children’s game in that if you catch a unicorn you’ll be safe.

#9. My final warning: 1) beware of the clowns, 2) some unicorns bite, and 3) glitter likely won’t come off/out of burned flesh, so there’s at least a small chance that you’ll look glittery for all eternity if you’re not magically whisked away.

Good luck no matter what happens.

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Follow me on Twitter!

If you follow the blog, you should follow the Twitter, because really – my life is that much more exciting than yours. (Not really, but you should still follow the Twitter.)
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Face threading – wtf.

I received one of those deal emails recently, for “face threading”. And of course I was all, “wtf, mate?”

My first thought went to some strange Frankenstein action with stitching. Maybe even needles and thread. Or even face transplants. I don’t know.

And then it went to: why would people do something like that? What the hell are they stitching their face to? Is it legal to do such a thing? And why is there a deal for this?

I clearly had no idea what this “face threading” was about, so I looked it up. And what I have to say now is:

Whatthefuckisgoingonintheworld!

You females seriously do this? You have someone tangle up your hairs in a string, get it all nice and knotted… and then yank away???

OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!?!

Fjasdnioqwenio[vnasdjk;faf’spspspsfffth

‘Ninjas’ and more ‘washing of hands’ talk

First, ‘ninjas’:

We need more ninjas in this world. Or ninja-like things. Or just more references to things being ninja-like. Perhaps one of the car makers can design a ninja-themed vehicle and bring it to market. I vaguely remember seeing something about a Nissan Xterra being ninja-like. After a quick search, here it is: “Nissan Ninja Hauler Kicks Ass and Takes Names Silently.” Maybe Jeep can make a Ninja model – they made a Black Ops model, so why not expand into other themes?

Lastly, more ‘washing of hands talk’:

Before the show on Friday, I happened to wash my hands in a public restroom. This restroom happened to have a paper towel dispenser on the wall to dry customer’s hands. The dispenser just so happened to dispense toilet paper pre-cut in 3-sheet lengths. I thought that was pretty odd. Odd enough to warrant me taking a picture even while others were in the restroom waiting for me to remove myself from the dispenser.

*Historical: please see here for previous washing of hands talk and my realization that there are three types of people in this world.

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The Walking Dead: A Review

It seems I haven’t chatted about zombies in a while. I’m not interested in researching to see the last time I did, but I assume it’s been at least a month or two.

Three nights ago I was watching TV. And on that TV came a commercial, a commercial for The Walking Dead, the new series on AMC. The spot caught my attention so I quickly went online to see what it was all about. Turns out I missed the entire first season. It also turns out that they just so happened to be airing an encore showing of season 1 the following two nights. Thus, I promptly set my DVR to record the following night’s showing of the full season.

Last night I sat down and started watching, say about 7:00pm. Ish. Come 12:30am, I went to bed after watching all 6 episodes of season 1. I just couldn’t stop watching.

Surprisingly, The Walking Dead has a pretty deep plot and storyline. It’s not just about zombies (which they aptly call ‘walkers’); it’s about the struggle to survive in a post-collapse of all society after an outbreak which causes people to contract a disease which kills them and then after some time brings them back to life. Of course, there’s the ‘get-bitten-and-turn-into-one-of-them’ thing going on as well.

Also surprisingly, after the first couple episodes, there is a lower reliance on zombie scenes and a greater reliance on struggle and survival. It’s actually quite good and I can’t wait for season 2.

If you can, check it out. It will certainly help to follow along from episode 1 to the next, and so forth. The story line keeps moving at a brisk pace and easily pulls you in. There aren’t many cliffhangers, but there is a good dose of suspense throughout.

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There are three types of people in this world...

I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of people in this world. There are those who, after spending any amount of time in the restroom, turn the water on before reaching for the soap. Then there are those who reach for the soap before turning on the water. And, of course, there are those who do not wash at all prior to exiting the restroom. These people should be cornered and educated on the societal norms of bathroom etiquette.

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Grasshopper

So apparently the word ‘grasshopper’ is racially discriminatory, so says Big Brother on my workplace instant messenger:

“The instant message that you are trying to send matches the "Racial discrimination" rule. IM Security took the "Replace all" action.”

Great. Thank you for replacing the word ‘grasshopper’ with who-knows-what. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I’m into racial discrimination or up on the newest fads for racially discriminatory words in today’s society. Good, …good.

And to make sure that the system was crazy, in addition to sending the word ‘grasshopper’ by itself (thinking that perhaps the system thinks a one-word use of ‘grasshopper’ could be a derogatory statement), I typed the following statement: I saw a grasshopper on the trail today during my walk.

Sure enough, that’s racial discrimination… somehow.

Yet, the word ‘retarded’ is allowed… … …

So I conducted highly scientific research on the internet to to the bottom of this. What did I find? Racial discrimination causes breast cancer, something about an ant and a grasshopper in India, and a grasshopper has its own tale. Here are my search results.

What? Nothing about ‘grasshopper’ being racially discriminatory? Oh. Okay then.

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The Symbol of Man

She laid dying on its footsteps
Life shattered by love and hate
The crowd gathered ‘round as it always does
…This place was no longer safe

Nor had it ever been
For many lives, countless, have lost
To our love and to our hate
…This was supposed to be ‘our place’

A place for some to rest and pray
But for others, a place to criticize
This is not a house of worship, though
A monument built in man’s eye

It is here where people gather
To give respect to fellow man
Yet also to tear them down
Because it stands for every man

Though built with great intention
It has driven so many apart
Like us, this monument, this symbol of man
May have been doomed right from the start

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The symbol of man, our monument to us
An illustration of our totality, in accuracy
Deservedly, and
Unfortunately...

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Rooster Man and Friday Eve

Last night was Friday Eve. You know, the night before Friday. The night you’re supposed to go out and have fun in celebration of the fact that the following day is Friday.

What? You don’t do that?

Well why not? Seems to be a very logical thing to do if you ask me. You just might see Rooster Man and the proverbial chicken dance at YOUR local establishment.

As I sat on my bar stool last night, I looked through the crowd and saw a guy attempting to dace, alone. Interestingly enough, he opted to go for an adaptation of the chicken dance. One might think that he was making fun or fooling around to make his friends laugh, but in fact he was not. He actually appeared to be taking things seriously.

He proceeded to “dance” (walk) in a ten-to-fifteen-foot circle, snapping his fingers to the beat on one hand, who-knows-what with his other, and bobbing his head like a chicken, maybe even singing along to the music, too. He continued to “dance” (walk) around in said circle a few times – I saw him complete the circle at least 4 times, but who knows how long he was doing this prior to me noticing.

I wonder, why would someone choose a form of artistic dance expression at a bar such as an adaptation of the chicken dance? I can’t imagine any benefit from it, especially if you’re a seemingly-single male who is out for the night, possibly even with an interest in meeting someone of the opposite sex.

Maybe he was just overwhelmed with joy during the typical Friday Eve celebratory activities. I doubt it though.

…And this is just one reason why you should celebrate Friday Eve and support your local establishments.

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absolute emptiness – in haiku

empty is the mind

that remains idle, and its

hands are too active

empty is body

when it is left to waste, self-

-beaten, weak, -abused

empty is the heart

that cannot find a true love

vices found instead

empty is the soul

of those who are blind by faith

and those blind by none

empty are beings

who do not properly tend:

mind, body, heart, soul

Want more haiku?

Enjoy:

Haikus To Save The World / Those Eyes

Haikus From Space / Little Mosquito

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Haiku To Save The World

hippies from the day
‘peace’, ‘love’, and ‘no war’ abound,
jaded at present

we should go back to
the Earth-loving ways of old
to save tomorrow

recycle, reuse,
reduce waste and resource use,
remember nature

the things we should do
to help make a better world,
arm-in-arm we’ll stand

we can save the world
for them, our children’s children,
one step at a time

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We need to communicate, interact, and embrace.

On the way to work this morning, I had a flashing thought as I saw a middle-age woman turn the corner in her SUV while chatting on the phone:

Humans have an intrinsic desire to communicate.

Cell phones have brought us together in a communicative way. Now, of course, there is the other side of the argument as well: cell phones are causing us to be enclosed within ourselves and within our own little world, even when we’re in the middle of a crowd… essentially forcing us apart from those around us; the building of a virtual wall, if you will.

While the cell phone (as well as the Internet, PC and the like) has increased our worldwide communication, our ability to communicate, and will keep us communicating in ways that were never before possible, at the same time we are losing the “human touch” of communication.

I think that we all long for that “human touch” sometimes, and find that we often times seek it through the technology around us… only to find that it’s not there. Yes we’re fulfilling our need to communicate with one another, albeit verbally, but we’re missing the “human touch” of communication, the full form of communication – the kind of communication that you can feel.

Technology has done wonders for mankind and will certainly continue along that path, but to what cost? It may be a stretch, but think about the possibility of the person tens or hundreds of years from now who turns on a screen within their home, has everything at their fingertips, and never has to leave home… Science-fiction entertainment or not, this person is still a hermit. Someone who does not interact with society (and some would argue that screen-to-screen or voice-to-voice only communication is not interaction with society) is probably not the type of people we long to become. The science and technology is exciting; the thought of this as reality is not.

I think we need to be careful, not cautious, of the implications of technology. Yet, I am in no way suggesting that we stop or hinder technological development out of fear that we may lose touch with society and grab on to an artificial world; I am simply saying, like Ms. Amy has proposed, that we put down our phones, interact with the world around us, embrace technology, but also embrace those around us.

Imagine the world we may create if we simply embraced those around us…

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