Hey Hey, Rorya (or: Escape From Destruction, starring Velma Sheen

This is about spam. Every once in a while a spam email gets through. This is one of their stories.


Subject: “Esmeralda, hey hey Rorya”

…So my name isn’t Esmeralda, and I don’t know anyone names Rorya. Already this is going well.

First line: “Patricka, All New Stock, Everything available it is here ...”

…Neither is my name Patricka. Which apparently to the people who design these emails is the female equivalent to Patrick.

Second line: “getrefill. ru”

…So the Russians have something to do with this? I know I’m kind of a big deal in Russia (and Ukraine) but this still isn’t making much sense to me.

Then there’s this:

“I do not clearly remember the arrival of the curat But facing that crescent everywhere--at Staines, H
The church bells were ringing for evensong, and a Velmaa Sheen, it seemed, had escaped destruction, but the
It was this howling and firing of the guns at Ripl Ahmada
The man pushed against the crowd towards the gate Gerardoa”

So Velma Sheen (Charlie Sheen’s… cousin?) escaped destruction? Destruction that included howling and firing of guns by something called Ripl Ahmada (something like a Spanish Armada, but farther East of Spain?)? Well that’s good. At least she escaped.

And some guy walked against the flow of a crowd toward a gate? Why would he do such a thing? Why wouldn’t he go to the other side of the street where the crowd was flowing in his direction? And what does this guy have to do with Velma and her escape from destruction? Was he, too, trying to escape the same destruction? Was the Ripl Ahmada at Gerardoa? Is that where all this went down? I’M EAGER TO KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY!!!

I guess we’ll never know…

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Follow me on Twitter! (It might be worth it.)
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Thanks in advance for the Russian Banyas

Dear, Russia –

I hear you have some Banyas. I would like to purchase two (2) of your Banyas for good time at home. Please deliver and install.

Or… please provide Banyas on days 1, 3, 4, 7, and 10 of my trip to your land if and when you provide me with said trip.

Let me know if you need dimensions of my available space.

Thanks in advance,
Me

PS – Still waiting to hear back from you about the open letter I wrote weeks ago. I sure hope you’re not ignoring me on purpose because that’s not cool.

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My apologies to Russia – I never meant to ignore you

I would like to take this time to offer Russia the same open letter that I wrote to Ukraine yesterday, because apparently I’m kind of a big deal there as well: aside from the US, Russia is my largest fan. GO VODKA!


Dear, Russia –

I’m sorry. I never meant to ignore you. Can you ever forgive me?

I would also enjoy an all-expenses paid trip to your land for the purpose of (again) speaking English, and drinking your national drink – vodka (also a la Anthony Bourdain) – and traversing your vast land all while live-blogging the journey.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Sorry again.

Sincerely,
JRM

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More Random, with a side of inspiration

I like that whenever I post about 30 Seconds To Mars there’s always a few hits from Google. They’re not quality hits, but hits nonetheless and count as visitors. Of course, these hits aren’t spending any time on my site whatsoever, and whenever I look I don’t see my site on the first few pages of search results and wonder how they came about. But I still like it. I remember the first time I posted about 30STM, I had a couple weeks of crazy site visits from the Ukraine and the Russia area. When I sought out the originating site, I couldn’t read it. Oh well

Also, this post happens to be on the first page of Google results for ‘writings about hobbies’. Good.

More also, I’m throwing around the idea of having a weekly publication on the site, perhaps called “The Weekly Items of Note” or something like that. It will comprise random things from around the interwebs, my life, friend’s lives, post comments, and perhaps highlights from the week’s posts as well. Or none of that. What are your thoughts on this? Do you want to see a weekly ‘something’ like that? Other blogs do it – have you had enough?

And the final also, I’m in good spirits today. Yesterday I made an important decision which I hope heralds in a new age of my life, marked with prosperity, entertainment, and true value. My hopes are up and my spirits are high; what else can I ask for?

I hope all is well in your world. If it’s not, get after it and put things in line. You know what you need to do.

Now repeat after me: “I make my own destiny.”

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Fast Lane

A few weeks ago, I purchased two (2) cases of tea from Celestial Seasonings. Specifically, I purchased two (2) cases of their Fast Lane black tea. It’s delicious. It’s caffeinated. It packs a punch greater than coffee. It has nutmeg. It has eleuthero. It also has cinnamon. Did I mention it was delicious? It’s also gluten free – I mention this because people seem to care these days; don’t know why though… not much has changed since 5 years ago when seemingly no one was on the gluten-free bandwagon.

Anyway. This Fast Lane black tea is a limited-time-only product, which I understand used to be around, went away, and is now back again, only to be lost to the annals of tea in the near future (once they run out). The problem? I love this tea. I’d rather drink it than coffee in the morning, every morning. And I don’t want to see it go! So I beg you to purchase a case, or two, or more if you’d like. I really think you’ll like it. I really do. Maybe if they see enough interest they’ll keep it around for a while longer. Even though I have a four (4) month stockpile at present…

As for Eleuthero, an excerpt from the Celestial Seasoning website: “Legend has it that reindeer, for centuries the symbols of endurance in Russian and Asian cultures, like to munch on eleuthero root in the wild. If these mythical beasts of burden seek out eleuthero to keep them going, it will almost certainly help you get through that upcoming three-hour productivity meeting you’re dreading so much.”

And also, from the box: “Eleuthero was used to increase stamina and endurance in Soviet Olympic athletes.”

If this post doesn’t give you enough reason to make the switch from coffee to Fast Lane, I don’t know what will.

You’re probably missing out. FYI.

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