The Rapture is delayed – now what are we supposed to do!

As it turns out, Rapture 2011 has been postponed until October 21, 2011, for unspecified reasons. I figured it was a rain delay, but after giving it some thought I realized that made no sense because it wasn’t raining at my house.

So how is this delay good? Well, for one thing, all of us on Twitter can recycle our May 21st tweets and reuse them on October 21st. Seeing how a person can say only so much about the Rapture, this helps us out quite a bit in the content department. Sure, we now have additional time to develop quality tweets, but really… no one cares at the end of the day, especially if we’ll all be running around on fire.

Additionally, I get to repost my “9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011” in a more timely fashion. This delay also allows me more than 30 minutes to come up with a 10th rule, which I had previously left out on account of a lack of creativity after already creating 9 solid rules.

So how is this delay bad? For one, it’s laughable. And laughable means we won’t give it any credence, so if the Rapture really does end up happening for real this time, we’re pretty much screwed. This could turn out to be the world’s greatest instance of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” and we won’t even know it until it’s too late.


…Well that’s depressing.


I’ll offer one more positive to lighten the mood now that I’ve depressed us both for what may very well turn out to be the rest of the year:

How else is the delay in Rapture good? We now have more time to bulk up on survival gear and supplies. Because after we find water to put out the fires on our backs we’ll want to give survival a go.

And also? You now have more time to develop and perfect your method for catching unicorns when it starts to get real on October 21st.

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9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

#1. Clowns. You’d better not be afraid of clowns. This is the biggest misconception among the public: clowns are not a part of the Rapture events. You just be ready for clowns, is all I’m saying.

#2. Expect to see some glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures taking part in the festivities. If this Rapture really happens, there’s a chance that there will be a moment of euphoria prior to Hell blazing over. If you’re lucky enough to get whisked away, you’ll probably get to live with said glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures. Lucky you.

#3. Balls of fire, earthquakes, tidal waves, and horribly-tuned smooth jazz. I don’t expect much thunder, but if there is, it will mostly be drowned out by said jazz and is likely to clap to the beat if you can hear it at all.

#4. Chariots. Lots of them. Ben-Hur style, too.

#5. If this Rapture really happens, expect to see Jesus in the far-off distance, likely hovering in the sky somewhere, standing guard at the aptly-named Pearly Gates along with Peter.

#6. Be prepared to not be whisked away, likely because you’ve listened to rock n roll a few times in your life, or you’ve cursed. They’re saying only 200 million people will be saved. Odds are it isn’t you seeing how that equates to less than 3% of the world’s population.

#7. If you *are* whisked away, be prepared to mourn the loss of loved ones as you watch them on the ground while you float to the sky. Or watch them burn in flames. Or if you suddenly disappear. No matter what, you’re going to want to keep your eyes open.

#8. If you’re lucky enough to see a unicorn, catch it. It’s said that Rapture, at times, can be much like a children’s game in that if you catch a unicorn you’ll be safe.

#9. My final warning: 1) beware of the clowns, 2) some unicorns bite, and 3) glitter likely won’t come off/out of burned flesh, so there’s at least a small chance that you’ll look glittery for all eternity if you’re not magically whisked away.

Good luck no matter what happens.

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