9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

#1. Clowns. You’d better not be afraid of clowns. This is the biggest misconception among the public: clowns are not a part of the Rapture events. You just be ready for clowns, is all I’m saying.

#2. Expect to see some glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures taking part in the festivities. If this Rapture really happens, there’s a chance that there will be a moment of euphoria prior to Hell blazing over. If you’re lucky enough to get whisked away, you’ll probably get to live with said glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures. Lucky you.

#3. Balls of fire, earthquakes, tidal waves, and horribly-tuned smooth jazz. I don’t expect much thunder, but if there is, it will mostly be drowned out by said jazz and is likely to clap to the beat if you can hear it at all.

#4. Chariots. Lots of them. Ben-Hur style, too.

#5. If this Rapture really happens, expect to see Jesus in the far-off distance, likely hovering in the sky somewhere, standing guard at the aptly-named Pearly Gates along with Peter.

#6. Be prepared to not be whisked away, likely because you’ve listened to rock n roll a few times in your life, or you’ve cursed. They’re saying only 200 million people will be saved. Odds are it isn’t you seeing how that equates to less than 3% of the world’s population.

#7. If you *are* whisked away, be prepared to mourn the loss of loved ones as you watch them on the ground while you float to the sky. Or watch them burn in flames. Or if you suddenly disappear. No matter what, you’re going to want to keep your eyes open.

#8. If you’re lucky enough to see a unicorn, catch it. It’s said that Rapture, at times, can be much like a children’s game in that if you catch a unicorn you’ll be safe.

#9. My final warning: 1) beware of the clowns, 2) some unicorns bite, and 3) glitter likely won’t come off/out of burned flesh, so there’s at least a small chance that you’ll look glittery for all eternity if you’re not magically whisked away.

Good luck no matter what happens.

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An Ode to Corned Beef

Oh, corned beef, where ever did you get your name?

I understand the beef.
I do not understand the corned.

You rarely ever have corn in your makeup.
Yet, you’re called corned.

Where, oh where, does your name come from?


(I realize that ‘corned’ means ‘cured’. Let me have my fun.)

Oh, Saint Patrick, patron saint of… wait, what?

Oh, Saint Patrick, patron saint of something, purveyor of amateur night, and little-g-god of alcohol lust. You are, and will always be, special to many in this world, and held close to our heart for most of our lives.

We thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for your willingness to die for our alcohol consumption and our bastardization of the color green.

May you rest in peace. Amen.

Wait, what? That’s not what Pat was about?

Oh… well then… Congrats for being Irish? Or British? Or a Brit capture by the Green team, enslaved, escaped, then returned as a bishop to the Green team’s land by own free will?

Interesting…

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Dear, good time: I had you. Again.

This past weekend was full of activity, primarily due to The String Cheese Incident run on March 10th, 11th, and 12th.

I can’t possibly recap or review; there was just too much, and I could never do it justice. It’s one of those things you have to experience first-hand to appreciate, understand, or even begin to grasp.

But, it would be uncharacteristic of me to give up so easily. Instead, I offer you my (then) real-time updates from the @WrkspcWrtngs Twitter account (follow now if you haven’t already). And no, there’s no “I’m going to get a beer right at this moment” or “I’m currently eating a hot dog” or “I’m standing in line and am cold” or anything insignificant like that. I do my best to shy away from such annoyances.

So, without further ado, behold:

Thursday, March 10th, 2011:
-So far this evening I have seen buzz lightyear and a giant penguin. I suppose that’s a win. Right?
-And also a man wearing a black onesy(sp?) with a bunch of eyes all over it. That move.

Friday, March 11th, 2011
-Already: 2 cow costumes and a Who.
-And one of those giant furry fetish cat costumes.
-This can mean only one thing: I’m buying a costume before tomorrow’s show.
-And one of those Chinese dragons, but small enough to wrap around a neck.
-Men with lighted hula hoops shouldn’t happen. Imho.
-And now a juggler rolling through the crowd on a glowing ball.
-Wait. What is that! A man in a penis costume, complete with testicles? Yup. Sure is.
-And of course more people on stilts.
-And a guy next to me was just tackled by security.
-I may or may not die by hula hoop.
-I turn around, find a circle of ppl, 1 guy in the middle, puking all over. Lovely.

Saturday, March 12th, 2011:
-Sold out show tonight. How will I ever have room for my interpretive dancing?!
-Maybe don’t bring a wallet the size of Africa. Just sayin.
-I found the Burger King. Let the night begin.
-That cat I mentioned last night? Standing next to me.
-Not sure, but I think that was an interpretive dancing mosh pit.
-No joke: some dude just put ketchup on his soft pretzel.
-Well this is a logistical nightmare: apparently they’re trying to get a parade together to go around the venue.
-But I just had a grilled cheese, so it’ll be ok.
-{picture taken and shared}
-{picture taken and shared}
-{picture taken and shared}
-You have to be here.
-{picture taken and shared}
-Giant beach balls {picture taken and shared}
-And just like that it’s over.


Oh, and for those counting at home: no water bottle cap issues this time around.

And for your continued interest in my String Cheese experience, read about my first go-round with the band last year: Dear, good time: I had you.

Is That a Parade, and The Secret V

I like a good parade. I haven’t been to a parade in a long time and really want to get back out into that scene. If only parades were more abundant… we need more parades in our streets. Much like carnivals, circuses, fairs and the like, parades have a sense of adventure, mystique, and excitement about them. They’re made of candy, sugar, funnel cake, and charcoal. If I could, I would wrap a parade in a package and sell it under the brand name Francine – that’s how great a parade can be (and no, I haven’t met anyone named Francine… so that brand name might be a stretch).

My phone continues to annoy me, but seems to be lasting since the last two crashed within a week. I wanted it to break again, but I’m coping for now. Whenever I send a text it seems to continue on and type the letter V on the screen, without me typing the letter V, and even if the last letter I typed was a W. I’m calling it The Secret V because no one knows about it, well, not until now at least. Before this, no one knew about it but me, thus making it a secret. What keeps it interesting is that The Secret V comes and goes; you never know when it’s going to pop up.

What can we learn from these? Go to the next parade or any exciting function of the sort that you can find: have some fun and enjoy the treats. Also, and no less important, watch out for your own Secret V’s… they mostly go unnoticed.

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An experiment in possibility

Possible topics for today:

Is that a Parade?
The Secret V
moe.
Inner-muse
Migration
Weather
The Sun

None of these made the cut. Not one. They each got a start, but they each abruptly ended with little to no direction after gaining a title.

It’s Friday. moe. is playing tonight and tomorrow night, and I’m going to both. There is a Secret V in my phone and it’s starting to upset me. In fact, my entire phone is starting to upset me. The sun isn’t out and the clouds have put me in an all-day funk; where is my usual Colorado weather? Because of this my inner-muse is having trouble coming up with something today, as are my outer-muses. Is that a parade going down the road? No? Well I wish it was. Migration is the key to success, whether you realize it or not. And that’s something I’ve been talking about my entire life.

Experimenting is fun, but often times it gets us nowhere. But that doesn’t mean we should stop. In fact, we should continue continuing on.

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