Mouth Torture

Today I conducted mouth torture, on myself. I’m sure you’re wondering what that is. While I imagine there are various types of mouth torture, the one I speak of here is of the tasting kind – the one where you taste gross and disgusting things. Why did I do this? Because a coworker gave me a pack of Jelly Belly jelly beans intended to have the consumer taste various beans that look alike but taste very, very different.

Take for example the yellow ones: either rotten egg, or buttered popcorn. The white ones? Baby wipes or coconut?

See the problem here?

While I initially said “no” to giving these a try, I was quickly lured in to test the toothpaste vs. berry blue. And that’s when this started:

“Why am I going to eat these Jelly Bellys with both normal and disgusting flavors that look the same in order to compare them?”

“Much to my surprise, pencil shavings are not bad tasting. (Wtf is wrong with the world?)”

“Also: the toothpaste is delightful, as expected.”

“I spat out the centipede as soon as I tasted its horrendousness.”















“Thank god that was caramel corn.”

“Moldy cheese flavor – not a winner.”

“Baby wipes flavor tastes exactly as they smell. Fyi.”

“Juicy pear has worked out. Otherwise it was “booger.” Fortunately they only packed one of that option.”

“I absolutely refuse to take a chance with the skunk spray. No-way ho-spray.”

“Canned dog food hanging out with centipede after a moment in my mouth.”

“And finally, I refuse to attempt “barf.” I have no interest in that. More interest than skunk spray, but not enough to try.”



After this, I determined I will never torture my mouth like that again.

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Spoiled by the Force

The Air Force spoiled me. Thinking back and comparing to now, boy was I spoiled professionally.

It’s a good thing I had to log in to my work email last night, because if I saw that same email this morning I would probably have gone home. A promotion of a colleague that more or less made me want to vomit – literally. I just couldn’t believe that *I* didn’t get the position. I must mention, though, that I didn’t apply… So… Therein lies the problem.

Back on point: why did the Air Force spoil me? Because, professionally speaking, promotions and raises were a given up to a certain level – the level at which I left the Air Force for greener pastures. It became well-known of when you’d make rank. And my bosses pushed to give me more – unofficial increases in responsibility – a way to shine above the rest.

After the Air Force I joined a company that, for whatever reason, promoted me after just 3 months – a mere continuance of the already-set promotion schedule. And ever since, it’s been a challenge to gain any ground.

Sure I’m in a better place than I was years ago. Sure I have a better life. Sure I’m more comfortable and arguably more happy. But I’m missing that gain – missing that growth – missing that improvement in career.

For 3 years now I have held the same title and position, though my duties have changed slightly over the years. I’m quickly becoming over-educated and under-employed (actually, I’ve been under-employed for a long time). What’s worse is that I have seen little to no growth – especially compared to the schedule set of 6 years between the Air Force and the post-Force job.

I’m not one to sit by and let things happen. Actually, yes, yes I am… But seeing the promotion announcement last night made me feel left behind. Hopefully that was the last straw. I’m educated, I’m qualified, and I’m smart – I can do anything, literally anything, that I set my mind to. I’ve been in over my head and came out on top time and time again. I’m a survivor. I’m a go-getter. I’m good. Hear me roar. Hear my battle cry!

… … …

Thanks for the pep talk. Now let’s go get it.

(And keep on me about it!)

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Coffee accessories: The never-ending plight

My office has coffee machines much like any other office with coffee machines you can imagine. Also with the coffee machines are the typical accessories: sugar (fake and not), creamer (dry and wet), stirrers (wooden), and cups (paper or ceramic). Coffee packets and filters are also provided to allow for proper coffee pot operation.

This is all fine and dandy. And even though the coffee sometimes is less than desirable, it is free nonetheless and easily doctored with various powdered and liquid substances.

The plight that is mentioned in the title above comes from the coworker(s). I have not yet identified who, but I had quickly grown tired of, and continue to be tired of, the way they place said coffee accessories on the counter.

“What could possibly be wrong here,” you might say. “Well let me tell you,” I would quickly retort.

You would expect that the primary accessories be placed near each other, and they are. The problem at hand: a paper towel dispenser that hangs on the wall next to the sink.

Now, what could be wrong with that? A lot, in my book – seemingly nothing, in others’.

You see, said coworker(s) move the open sugar and creamer container to just below the hanging paper – where once a person reaches with wet hands, water immediately drips to the countertop below – right where said coworker(s) continue to move the open sugar and creamer containers.

I, like most people, would rather have clean and un-dirtied coffee accessories. I, apparently unlike most people, recognize this hazard and continue to move the accessories (stirrers included) to a dryer, safer place. Over and over and over again.

Please, people: pay the fuck attention to the coffee accessories.

Thank you.

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Now every day is a vacation day. Good.

I remember like it was yesterday:

One day last April, I walked into Tarzjay with little direction (just made up that spelling, because quite frankly I have no idea how else you would spell it, other than ‘Target’. Stfu.). (Great, now I’ve gone off storyline and the entire flow of this is wrong. I need to start over. *Ahem*)

I remember like it was yesterday:

One day last April, I walked into Tarzjay with little direction, and walked out with freedom.

Freedom from The Man. Freedom from responsibility. Freedom from everything life sucks at.

Dear, friends - I walked out with the v-neck undershirt, and I’ve never felt better.

Long gone are the days of crew-neck undershirts while at work. Long gone are the wantings to rip off my shirt Hulk-style and smash it to bits while screaming loudly.

Long gone is the shackle around my neck.

Hooray, I say. Hooray – hooray – hooray.

I am free… I am free… I am free.

(Now work is more like a non-work day, except that I still have to go into the office, but still do similar things to when it’s a non-work day, per usual. Good.)

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Follow me on Twitter!
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Follow the feed!

(If you follow the blog, you should follow the Twitter, because really – my life is that much more exciting than yours.)
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Will somebody stop the boredom? Please?

Lately it seems I spend my days mostly trying not to stab myself in the eye. Not because of my work environment, annoying coworkers, stupid people, or too much work; no, that would make too much sense.

It’s mostly due to my growing boredom with life. Work’s boring, after-work’s boring, hell… even sleep is boring since I don’t dream very much (that I can remember at least).

Running off to Africa, Europe, or Australia (or all three) seems to be the only option for excitement these days.

Or maybe I should become a carpenter…

Or join a circus…

Or buy a horse and ride across America. Alongside the interstates. With dog trotting beside.

Whatever it is, it better make haste because I’m growing impatient.

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Wtfisthat. Andwhyisitthere.

There’s something strange wrapped in a paper towel hanging out in the basket that holds the paper coffee cups at work.

Upon first look I thought it was an English muffin or a breakfast sandwich wrapped in a paper towel and placed there to keep warm. Then I thought how odd it was for a breakfast sandwich to be wedged between a stack of cups and the side of a basket.

Then I thought how putting a breakfast sandwich there wouldn’t keep it warm and totally makes no sense at all.

And then I poked it and realized it was not a breakfast sandwich but couldn’t determine exactly what it was and then continued with my coffee pouring because I wanted nothing to do with it after that. I promptly left and went back to my desk. And then returned to take a picture for you.

Here. Here’s the picture.

Whatthefuckisthat. Andwhyisitthere.

Posting for the sake (not sake) (what?)

I’ll warn you upfront: this has nothing to do with sake (Japanese), but everything to do with sake (English).

Actually, this has nothing to do with anything. It’s a waste of time, yours and mine.

In fact, that’s how I felt for the last 30 minutes of the workday today.

You see, I typed up a document, saved it, plus it auto-saves. Word froze, I forced-close the app, and the recovered the last auto-save. Unfortunately, after an attempt to re-save the auto-save as my last-save, and then checking-in the document to SharePoint, it wouldn’t re-save as my last-save, I checked-in the document to SharePoint, and I lost the entirety of my labor.

After a time consuming check of the network snapshots of my lappy, and a few searches of the hard drive for said auto-saves, no luck could be found.

Although, my horoscope today did say that “a sizable sum of money could come your way today… probably as a surprise” and told me not to “gamble or consider any kind of frivolous investment for at least two months.”

Here’s to hoping Powerball is up my alley this evening so I don’t have to re-create that document in the morning.

Say hello to Jasper

He’s a friend of a friend. Maybe not even a friend of a friend, but someone a friend had interaction with at one point. Well, maybe not even someone a friend had interaction with at one point, but someone a friend was in the vicinity of once. Yeah. That’s it.

And she decided to draw a portrait.
Which just so happens to be the size of a quarter.

I do believe it was a work-related function as well. Some sort of off-site third-party training.

Can you tell that the training was highly valuable to its audience?

Jasper, if you’re out there, and you think this looks like you, and your name happens to be Jasper, phone us. Or email. I’d like to see a real picture of you. So make haste.

Probably not though. It’s ok if you never come forward. Your portrait has been sitting on my desk for many, many months now. And yes, I’m JUST getting around to writing a post about you.

Thanks for the entertainment you've brought me.

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Shoulder Nips

What to do… What to do… Last week I pulled a shirt off the shelf (read: hanger) that I hadn’t worn in quite a while, say, a year or so. Probably since last winter. Much to my dismay, it had shoulder nips. Crunched for time though, I opted to wear the shirt, regardless of its unusual and unwelcomed addition. Fortunately for me, I think I forgot about the shoulder nips and moved on with my day.

I wonder if anyone else noticed them; I usually notice them on other people and think to myself, “Man, that’s something. I wouldn’t have hung that shirt on a hanger – I certainly would have folded it to prevent the shoulder nips because clearly the fabric is going to stretch on the hanger.”

Which brings me to a question of great importance: which is better to have – shoulder nips or creases/wrinkles that may or may not be challenging to get rid of when you’re short on time?

That is all.

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Happy 2011: A Few (Random) Points

Looks like we all survived; the computers didn’t rise up for yet another year. Yay for us. Maybe next year they’ll attack as previously planned for Y2K. I guess we’ll have to see. Fortunately, we have another full year to prepare. However, something tells me that no one is taking this threat seriously.

So… have you purchased Fast Lane Tea yet from Celestial Seasonings? You should. See my previous post about it. I’ve had several people email to inform me of their purchase. Are you one joining us?

The new wall calendar I’ve received at work seems to be 130% larger than the previous one, and subsequently does not fit on my cube’s wall. Not a fan.

I’ve been searching for a Franklin Covey or other organizer system to meet my needs to no avail. Hopefully avail will happen this week. If not, I’ll have to fashion some sticks and yarn together with some pulp to create the solution best-fit for me.

Already, there are a few concerts lines up this year, namely: Disco Biscuits, 30 Seconds To Mars, and Umphrey’s McGee, all by mid February. Be on the lookout for reviews as per usual.

Did I mention my MBA education is complete? Finally. Not that it took forever, but I’m glad to be done with the homework. However, I have another year’s-worth of free education coming to me so I have to start deciding what direction I want my educational path to go.

Also, I bought a new Jeep. Did I mention that? Don’t think I did.

It seems that things are a little refreshed. While I agree that the New Year holiday is more mental than anything, there’s something to be said about the renewed spirit it can generate if you allow it. Get caught up in the moment and refresh yourself. Keep your head high and your eye on the goal. You’ll get there in one piece.

Signing off until next time.

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Take your shoes off at work!

I just took my shoes off at work for the first time this month. Yes, I know it’s September 1st. Yes, I understand. No, no this is not a joke. Yes, my shoes are really off.

You’d be surprised by how much of a difference such a little move like that can have while at work. Taking off your shoes when you’re sitting at a desk can help you relax, cool down, and might even keep your temper in-check. In fact, you may stop being so easily annoyed at those pesky coworkers!*

Go ahead – try it! Right now! Let me know how it works out for you!

And pass the word!!!


*Note: these statements have not been reviewed by the Surgeon General and are completely speculative. YMMV.

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A process for direction

I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life moving forward from here. Have you ever tried to do that? It’s a daunting task! I suppose some people are born and bred into something that they enjoy and just know what they’re made for. Unfortunately that’s not me.

So, in order to tackle this, I’ve decided to approach it this way: I’m taking stock of me; who I am, etc… I’ve made a list of three categories: languages, passions, interests. Through these, I expect to find my calling, or at least more direction in my career path. At the very least, I expect this exercise to help identify areas where I’m proficient and areas I’ll enjoy, and hopefully indentify the areas that combine the two. To clarify “languages”: these are the subjects/topics/industries that I can speak fluently, or speak well… I couldn’t think of a different category title.

Here’s what I have so far, listed in no specific order:

Languages (what subjects/topics/industries can I speak fluently, or speak well?)
- Politics
- Finance
- IT
- General business

Passions (what am I passionate about when speaking with others?)
- Education
- Music
- Food

Interests (what are my interests?)
- Outdoor activities
- Recycling/”Green” things
- Music
- Poker
- Cooking
- Motivation/Inspiration/Self-help (maybe?)

I plan to continue building the list, but I’m at a point where I really have to think about it, I mean really, really think to find things to add. Perhaps only those which immediately come to mind should be included here, simply because if they’re at the forefront of the mind then they must be a legitimate, viable interest. Otherwise, if I really have to think to come up with something, maybe it’s not that high up on the list to begin with and shouldn’t be included. I guess then maybe my list is done… or maybe it’s not. I guess I’ll find that out.

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A (sometimes) daily reminder of my current profession

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I work in IT and that my coworkers are IT folk. Developers, code writers, server guys, database guys, technical people, and all other IT people typically are not the outgoing type (generally speaking). I don’t think this is news to anyone, but techies, while they get along fine within their crowd, often times find it difficult to communicate outside of said crowd.

I, unfortunately, am not a techie. If I were, perhaps I would be a little more understanding. But I’m not a techie, I’m a soft-skill business guy. I’m not saying that I’m not understanding; I feel my business-like skills enable me to understand, respect, and properly deal with said techies in a positive fashion. And while I think and talk business-like, I can certainly integrate, communicate with, and discuss in certain depth technical topics with the techies… but I’m still not a techie.

There are exceptions to this rule of course: there are techies who have the soft skill of good communication and workplace relations. They can hold a conversation, acknowledge your existence, and speak something other than technical jargon. But those individuals are not the lot of the bunch in IT.

The issue at hand, specifically, is the passerby interaction when two people are walking down the hall. Now, I can understand the I’m-busy-looking-at-my-BlackBerry-and-can’t-notice-you instances; I’m as guilty as the next guy. What I can’t understand is the I’m-looking-past-you-and-not-acknowledging-your-existence-and-refuse-to-make-eye-contact, all while I am making contact with them – effectively watching them as they choose to ignore me.

No, I don’t want to hold a conversation, and no I probably don’t even want to talk with you at any length. What I would like is a simple hello, a smile, or some other form of acknowledgement. I am not invisible, and no matter how far past me you look, you are not invisible either. I can still see you.

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Listening to questionable radio stations while at work

Today at lunch I decided to check and see if there is a BlackBerry app for Sirius radio. Sure enough, there is. And let me tell you… it’s the best. My workplace experience has now been revolutionized. I thought it was great to be able to listen to my iPod all day long, but now I can listen to my favorite music and talk radio from Sirius while at work.

One thing that may become a distraction is Playboy Radio. I didn’t think it would be available, but it is. For those of you who don’t know what the station is about, don’t let your mind wander too far – it’s not as bad as you may think…

You see, I don’t ever listen to Playboy Radio, it’s just never on my radar. When I get in my car, Octane 20 is always on. If I change the channel, it goes to Alt Nation 21. Patriot Radio is frequented during my lunchtime in the Jeep, and the news stations come on during commercials. But right now on my BlackBerry while at work, it seems the only interesting channel is Playboy Radio.

As strange as that may seem, here’s a short description of what it’s all about: it’s talk radio with colorful hosts, guests, and discussions about random subjects as listeners call in to ask questions and make different points, typically of adult nature. Granted, although the language is far from PG-13, it’s not even close to being a verbal description of an adult film. Think the articles throughout a newsstand edition of Playboy… that’s Playboy Radio.

If you thought you enjoyed your morning wake-up show on terrestrial radio, you have no idea what you’re missing with satellite radio. Think it’s not worth the few dollars a month? You’re probably wrong: no static, commercial-free music, big-name shows, and a constant channel on every road trip regardless of how many state lines you cross. Add in the ability to listen online, and now from your phone… even while at work! Think about it. Trust me, it’s worth it.

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Writings from a workspace

Many things come to mind at work and many of those keep on going – we don’t stop to write them down and grab them from the air. Probably because when these things come along we’re a little busy to pause and reflect. Also, the chances of us lacking the pause to grab and reflect means that a great many of these things that come to mind at work are, of course, non-work related. I attempt to grasp these from the air, pronounce them, and direct them down the path best suited.

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