Hey Hey, Rorya (or: Escape From Destruction, starring Velma Sheen

This is about spam. Every once in a while a spam email gets through. This is one of their stories.


Subject: “Esmeralda, hey hey Rorya”

…So my name isn’t Esmeralda, and I don’t know anyone names Rorya. Already this is going well.

First line: “Patricka, All New Stock, Everything available it is here ...”

…Neither is my name Patricka. Which apparently to the people who design these emails is the female equivalent to Patrick.

Second line: “getrefill. ru”

…So the Russians have something to do with this? I know I’m kind of a big deal in Russia (and Ukraine) but this still isn’t making much sense to me.

Then there’s this:

“I do not clearly remember the arrival of the curat But facing that crescent everywhere--at Staines, H
The church bells were ringing for evensong, and a Velmaa Sheen, it seemed, had escaped destruction, but the
It was this howling and firing of the guns at Ripl Ahmada
The man pushed against the crowd towards the gate Gerardoa”

So Velma Sheen (Charlie Sheen’s… cousin?) escaped destruction? Destruction that included howling and firing of guns by something called Ripl Ahmada (something like a Spanish Armada, but farther East of Spain?)? Well that’s good. At least she escaped.

And some guy walked against the flow of a crowd toward a gate? Why would he do such a thing? Why wouldn’t he go to the other side of the street where the crowd was flowing in his direction? And what does this guy have to do with Velma and her escape from destruction? Was he, too, trying to escape the same destruction? Was the Ripl Ahmada at Gerardoa? Is that where all this went down? I’M EAGER TO KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY!!!

I guess we’ll never know…

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9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

#1. Clowns. You’d better not be afraid of clowns. This is the biggest misconception among the public: clowns are not a part of the Rapture events. You just be ready for clowns, is all I’m saying.

#2. Expect to see some glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures taking part in the festivities. If this Rapture really happens, there’s a chance that there will be a moment of euphoria prior to Hell blazing over. If you’re lucky enough to get whisked away, you’ll probably get to live with said glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures. Lucky you.

#3. Balls of fire, earthquakes, tidal waves, and horribly-tuned smooth jazz. I don’t expect much thunder, but if there is, it will mostly be drowned out by said jazz and is likely to clap to the beat if you can hear it at all.

#4. Chariots. Lots of them. Ben-Hur style, too.

#5. If this Rapture really happens, expect to see Jesus in the far-off distance, likely hovering in the sky somewhere, standing guard at the aptly-named Pearly Gates along with Peter.

#6. Be prepared to not be whisked away, likely because you’ve listened to rock n roll a few times in your life, or you’ve cursed. They’re saying only 200 million people will be saved. Odds are it isn’t you seeing how that equates to less than 3% of the world’s population.

#7. If you *are* whisked away, be prepared to mourn the loss of loved ones as you watch them on the ground while you float to the sky. Or watch them burn in flames. Or if you suddenly disappear. No matter what, you’re going to want to keep your eyes open.

#8. If you’re lucky enough to see a unicorn, catch it. It’s said that Rapture, at times, can be much like a children’s game in that if you catch a unicorn you’ll be safe.

#9. My final warning: 1) beware of the clowns, 2) some unicorns bite, and 3) glitter likely won’t come off/out of burned flesh, so there’s at least a small chance that you’ll look glittery for all eternity if you’re not magically whisked away.

Good luck no matter what happens.

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Seeking: NWM(P), and A Strange Sheep-Thing

That stands for New Weatherman(person), not Nighttime Werewolf Messenger (Please), fyi.


This winter’s weather has been horrible in the Denver area: we’ve had virtually no snow. While other parts of the country have had literally feets (yes, feets) of snow, we have had almost none. And it’s quite depressing.

Does anyone know of a good weatherman(person) who needs a job? Ours are having trouble with predicting. As with most other areas of the country, the weather here isn’t an exact science. But when you predict 2-5” of snow and it turns out to really be 0”, and you predict 4-6” and it turns out to be 1”, over and over and over again? Yeah… There may be a slight problem.

I’m not saying our current weathermen(persons) aren’t smart or are doing a poor job, they just haven’t been accurate this season. And while we all know that it’s near impossible to predict the weather, you can at least come close to figuring it out.

Each storm is not something you’ve never seen before and cannot map it with a decent level of certainty.

And also? Maybe don’t predict the end of the world when you’re 4 or 5 days out. Maybe only predict a possibility of snow. You’re getting a lot of hopes up when you predict a potential snow day and don’t deliver by coming up way short – not just a little short – but a lot short.

And more also, what the eff is this thing.

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Bigfoot is a pervert. There. I said it.

If only there was something fun to write about…

I’m doing my best to milk the weave sighting. Hopefully it will become as wide-spread as a Bigfoot sighting.

Speaking of Bigfoot, I DVR’d a two-hour special on the creature which detailed, at a high level, the pattern of world-wide sightings. It also explored three or four varying theories on the creature – it’s existence, what it could be, etc., etc., etc.

Oh, and it turns out that Bigfoot is a pervert. Don’t ask me why, but I started to Google: “Bigfoot is a…” and this is what it gave me for suggestions:

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