9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

9 Rules and Expectations for Rapture 2011

#1. Clowns. You’d better not be afraid of clowns. This is the biggest misconception among the public: clowns are not a part of the Rapture events. You just be ready for clowns, is all I’m saying.

#2. Expect to see some glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures taking part in the festivities. If this Rapture really happens, there’s a chance that there will be a moment of euphoria prior to Hell blazing over. If you’re lucky enough to get whisked away, you’ll probably get to live with said glitter, unicorns, and other mythical creatures. Lucky you.

#3. Balls of fire, earthquakes, tidal waves, and horribly-tuned smooth jazz. I don’t expect much thunder, but if there is, it will mostly be drowned out by said jazz and is likely to clap to the beat if you can hear it at all.

#4. Chariots. Lots of them. Ben-Hur style, too.

#5. If this Rapture really happens, expect to see Jesus in the far-off distance, likely hovering in the sky somewhere, standing guard at the aptly-named Pearly Gates along with Peter.

#6. Be prepared to not be whisked away, likely because you’ve listened to rock n roll a few times in your life, or you’ve cursed. They’re saying only 200 million people will be saved. Odds are it isn’t you seeing how that equates to less than 3% of the world’s population.

#7. If you *are* whisked away, be prepared to mourn the loss of loved ones as you watch them on the ground while you float to the sky. Or watch them burn in flames. Or if you suddenly disappear. No matter what, you’re going to want to keep your eyes open.

#8. If you’re lucky enough to see a unicorn, catch it. It’s said that Rapture, at times, can be much like a children’s game in that if you catch a unicorn you’ll be safe.

#9. My final warning: 1) beware of the clowns, 2) some unicorns bite, and 3) glitter likely won’t come off/out of burned flesh, so there’s at least a small chance that you’ll look glittery for all eternity if you’re not magically whisked away.

Good luck no matter what happens.

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Parties & Clowns - Late Night Edition

Every party needs a clown. That's what I just found out, or at least I was told... by the TV.

But then I stopped to think about it, and it seems true: every time there's a party, there's always one guy (or girl) who plays the clown. Whether it be the joke-teller, the prankster, the comical one, or the drunk; there always seems to be a clown, even if they play the clown for only a few minutes during the party.

I remember when I was in high school, my girlfriend's parents were prominent psychologist and held an annual Christmas party at their house (even though one was Jewish and the other an atheist, but that's another subject and story for another post). I'm sure you can imagine the crowd who attended such an event - there were a lot of sweaters, ties, jackets, and typically not a place for a high school kid. But there I was, with my girlfriend, hanging out with the 30-, 40-, and 50-somethings in the "I hang out with psychologists", "I am a psychologist" or "I'm a lawyer" crowd. We didn't stay very long; made an appearance, retreated from the action, and made another appearance, and retreated again.

I digress, back to the point. Even at an event such as the one described above, there is always a clown. There’s always someone telling a joke, a funny story, or trying to entertain with modern comic relief. In fact, I would venture to guess that in a crowd such as the one listed above, there would be more effort in trying to tell jokes and entertain through comic relief… but that may not be a fair statement, and slightly stereotyping. I’m sure psychologists, lawyers, and their friends are just like every other normal group of people… well, maybe not “just like” every other normal group of people, but similar in that there’s always a clown in the crowd… even the seriousness-laden one.

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