Sunday, June 13, 2010

A letter to Lappy on true feelings - Weekend Edition

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Dear Lappy,

True feelings are sometimes hard to explain. Sometimes they're simply hard to put into words. But, you know they're there, and you feel them... they're feelings after all. Sometimes I get feelings that I can't put to paper, or vocalize for others to hear. I might be able to say them and they would make sense, but maybe out of fear of being judged I don't.

I have a wall up. It's becoming more clear by the day. I never noticed it there, but now that I'm spending more time alone where life is quiet, I'm starting to see that wall. I'm not sure how high it is though, so I can't say if it'll be easy to bring down or if it'll take a long time - something of a real effort. I guess my foremost concern is: what is this wall preventing? What is it blocking? What is it getting in the way of? And to those questions, I do not know the answer.

There's something to be said of loneliness, not the sad or depressing kind, but the kind where you're simply alone. Just you and yourself hanging out. Some say you learn a lot about who you are when you're alone. I might agree.

You've found me in an interesting time of my life. I'm not even sure. I find myself questioning things I do, questioning things I say, and questioning the relationships I have (or don't have). Even though I have all these questions, and feelings, and thoughts, I don't have many answers. Because of that, it's sometimes frustrating on a certain level.

Sometimes it feels good to just write things down. Getting them out of your mind and onto paper (or screen) for your eyes to see, for your mind to grasp from reality.

So here's to true feelings: I sometimes feel lost. I sometimes feel confused. I sometimes feel lonely. I sometimes wish things were different. And I sometimes wonder how things would be had I not said or done some things in my life. I should also add that I feel happy at times as well - I don't need you to think I'm depressed or anything.

Alas, here I am, circa 11pm on a Sunday night, writing a draft post that may or may not make it to the blog... alone... by myself, just me and my dog. But she's asleep, so while her company is nice, she's still asleep... and she can't talk (at least I don't think she can. If she could, I hope she would tell me).

I'm not sure if something is broken, I'm not sure if something needs to be fixed, I'm not sure if there's anything wrong at all. This may very well be normal. However, judging by my life's track record, few things turn out to be normal.

Ho hum, and good night. Thanks for listening, Lappy.

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2 comments:

  1. who wants to be normal anyway...but it does feel good to get those feelings out...

    ReplyDelete
  2. honest reflections...
    u deserve better...

    ReplyDelete