Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I would probably consider moving to Texas if it wasn’t for that jackrabbit.

(Scene: Summer, June/July 2002, Sheppard Air Force Base, Wichita Falls, Texas. Another airman (woman, actually) and I are conducting a walking tour of the base for newly-arrived trainees. I begin to warn them about the dangers of jackrabbits.) (Narration by yours truly.)

You think I’m joking, but I’m serious when I say “watch out for the jackrabbits.” They’re squirrelly and will attack you. They have human-like eyes that just stare at you, and you can tell that they’re sizing you up. You know they’re looking at you. You know they’re thinking about you. It’s really kind of freaky. Just keep your distance.

(Enter jackrabbit on the sidewalk 50 feet ahead, facing the street.)

See, there’s one right there. We have to go in that direction, so let’s walk slowly toward it and hopefully it will run away.

(The group and I walk slowly toward it. As we move closer, the jackrabbit turns toward us and squares up with the group.)

See! See what he did there!

(As we approach closer, in a burst of speed the jackrabbit runs toward us, aiming directly for the group as if it were trying to attack.)

(We all jump back in fear of being mauled by the rabbit as it comes within 15 feet of us.)

(It turns right and runs with great purpose to the middle of the road.)

(It stops, turns left, squares up with the car driving toward it, and runs in attack mode directly at the car until it is only a few feet from the vehicle.)

(It then bursts left and runs back toward our group until it is 10 feet away, forcing us to jump back again, and then darts away from us with great purpose, running off to terrorize others on base.)

(End scene)

Ever since that day I’ve been wary of jackrabbits. And ever since that day I’ve vowed to never live in Texas, almost exclusively because of the jackrabbits.


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